Romance

Writers of romantic novels have much to answer for. They are to blame for the unrealistic view of romance and men that most of us have stored at the back of our minds. Didn't we all, way back then, when we were pimple-plagued (why did an enormous one so often appear in the dead centre of one's forehead on a Friday morning?), hormone-harassed, desperate-for-love teenagers, spend endless hours reading those pathetic romantic novels that made rose-coloured glasses an unnecessary accessoire?

The heroes loved the heroines for their unblemished beauty, their perfect personality and their unsurpassable selflessness. The hero was always exceptionally handsome and extremely wealthy. Unimportant things (like character) seldom warranted a mention. In each and every book that we so avidly consumed there were only two things that could delay (never completely prevent!) these two perfect human beings on their road to lifelong bliss: A silly misunderstanding. Quite often in the form of the heroine mistaking some noble gesture on the hero's part for a "dastardly deed". (Intelligence was about the only attribute heroines were, despite descriptive claims to the contrary, not over-endowed with.) Or a truly horrid lie told by another woman. This "other woman" was inevitably consumed with unrequited love for the hero, but alas, not being a beautiful paragon of virtue, didn't have a snowball's hope in hell of winning his heart, and inevitably paid dearly for her attempt to butt in on a perfect romance. Once these niggling little problems had been suitably dealt with, our two beautiful people were sent into a starry-eyed orbit. Each kiss made her tremble, why, even his hand on her arm sufficed to make the earth move! If the story went on long enough, he showed his true worth as a perfect husband in all respects and she became the wife to top all wives: even-tempered at all times, happily pregnant with his son, a housekeeper par excellence, etc. etc.

Most romantic novelists, however, for good reason chose to end their interchangeable stories with a passionate "we'll be together for ever and I love you so" kiss immediately after the above-mentioned problems had been resolved.

They at least had the decency to limit the damage.

They still have enough to answer for.

Alabama

Last modified on Sunday, 7. March 1999